Baby Wren Chapter 2

I've been at a total and complete loss for words twice this week. The first time because I felt like I was losing my entire world and again today because I was told I was told my entire world looked completely healthy & the spots on her brain had totally disappeared. This week has been the biggest roller coaster ride we have ever & hopefully will ever be on. Wren has already done so much for me & made me so much stronger and she hasn't even been born yet. I will always be so thankful to her for making me a better person.

I've constantly read forums on the internet just trying to accept it so I could be stronger for Wren when she got here & I could better enjoy our limited time together. I would always get a strong feeling telling me that she didn't have it. I felt like maybe that feeling was just because I hoped so much that she didn't have it, but it was something much greater than a "gut feeling." It was God.

My appointment today...
Our appointment today was at 4pm and I had never been so nervous in my life. I was essentially going to get the news of whether my sweet baby lives or dies. There's no way you can prepare yourself for that & I hope I never have that feeling again. I waited (so impatiently) for over an hour to be called back. I sat there listening to a girl in the waiting room moan & complain about her pregnancy & how she wanted a girl instead of a boy... instead of being grateful for the sweet life inside of her regardless of gender & thanking God that she is able to feel him move. People take baby kicks & punches for granted, I was living in fear that every kick I felt could be her last.

Finally we were called back and the ultrasound tech started. I couldn't even look at the screen I was so scared for my baby. Will asked if she saw any soft markers & she told him she saw none. The markers that were on her previous ultrasounds were totally gone. I can't find the words to express how I felt when I heard that but it was the best feeling I have ever had. She continued looking for the additional markers on the heart, kidneys, brain, hands, feet, and deformities of the face. She couldn't tell us much but she was clearly confused as to why I was even being seen, there was absolutely nothing wrong with my girl. She took a precious 3d picture of her & said everything looked great. I was in complete shock, the happiest kind of shock imaginable! I have never seen someone so beautiful in my life. A few minutes later the doctor came in & began another ultrasound. He couldn't find any markers either, they are just completely gone. He looked at and listened to her heart & it was perfect. He listened to the blood running through her cord & it was perfect as well. He asked many questions about why we were even there in the first place because he saw absolutely nothing wrong & he said that if Wren had Trisomy13, he would find multiple abnormalities. She's growing like a weed (4 lbs 4 oz) and he said that's right on track, yet another thing that wouldn't happen if Wren had T13. He said because the bloodwork did come back abnormal that he didn't want to say she was 100% fine and didn't have it. He did assure us over & over that labs can be wrong and she can be in that 1%. He said an amniocentesis was our for sure answer & scheduled me for one on Monday morning before they even open so he can get it sent off & get the results back within 2-3 days. He said he will have preliminary results hopefully by Wednesday & he always trusts those. The final results will be sent to him within 10 days but he said they are hardly ever different. He said that there's a 1% chance that it can send me into early labor, which worries me because my Wren takes those 1% chances and runs with them... :-)

Please continue to pray for my baby & more amazing results. The blog has been viewed over 10,000 times & viewed in more than 10 countries. I know my baby is a miracle and I know the power of our prayers has done an amazing thing & will continue to. Thank you all for everyone thought, prayer, call, text, message, comment, and for sharing the blog to get my baby even more prayers. It's the most humbling experience & because of it I will always be a better, stronger person. It felt really, REALLY awesome to tell Wren about how we WILL get to do everything I told her we would do & how much I get to love on her now. She's the strongest girl I know & I'm beyond blessed that I was chosen to be her mommy.

an arrow can only be shot by 

pulling it backward. so when life is dragging you back with difficulties, it means that its going to launch you into something great

For You created my inmost being;
You knit me together in my mothers womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Your works are wonderful i know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from You
When I was made in my secret place,
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
All the days ordained for me were written in Your book
Before one of them came to be

The beginning of our journey...

About us...

I was going to keep this all private because it is a hard thing for me to accept & talk about, but the more people that know, the more prayers my baby girl gets. And she needs all of them that she can get.

This pregnancy has been anything but easy from the very beginning (gestational diabetes, almost needing to be hospitalized due to extreme morning sickness, very high blood pressure, anemia, you name it & I've probably had it) but I have loved & cherished every second of it. Yesterday topped it all, we found out our sweet girl has Trisomy 13. 

Usually people find out in the very beginning but my first doctor somehow didn't see the markers. As soon as my doctor saw them she immediately had me do bloodwork to send off to a place called MaterniT21. They test for Trisomy 21 (downs syndrome), trisomy 18, & trisomy 13. Up until yesterday morning I was confident that my girl didn't have anything wrong with her & that it was just a fluke with the ultrasound. My appointment was at 12:45 pm yesterday but the doctor called me at 8am & asked if I could come early because she had the results in & wanted to talk about them in person. I still tried to remain calm because I thought maybe that's just what they do, then she called back and told me to be sure Will is with me. I absolutely lost it. I was on my knees begging God that it was Down's syndrome & not one of the others. Will came home as fast as he could & we were called back almost immediately. While we were in the room waiting on the doctor to come in, I was explaining to Will how much I hope it is Trisomy 21 & not 18 or 13. He didn't know anything about the other two so I was reading him all about it. I could see the fear in his eyes & I told him not to even worry because Trisomy 13 has a 1 in 10,000 to a 1 in 21,000 chance of happening, especially in a young mom. Just as I finished saying that the doctor walked in & said, "I've got some bad news. Your results came back and she's a very high positive for Trisomy 13." Almost everything after that is blurred, but I remember hearing how most babies don't even live as long as Wren has & that majority get a few days, the lucky parents get a week. I have been having to go to the doctor once a week, a doctor for my gestational diabetes every two weeks, and the hospital twice a week for monitoring due to my high blood pressure. She told me yesterday that I could stop the monitoring because it really didn't matter now. I told her I wanted to keep on going because I want to hear her heart beat while I still can. I felt more emotions in that moment than I even knew existed. I felt sad, mad, betrayed, scared, but mostly I felt like I wasn't a good mom because this happened in my body & I couldn't even keep my own baby healthy. I felt not good enough for her. 

Will & I asked a few questions and then went home. When we got home, we just sat in our car for the longest time & cried & held each other & wondered why this would happen to our perfect baby. The rest of the day consisted of that same thing. I hoped & I prayed that this was the most realistic dream in the world and that I would wake up from it in the morning. She was so still last night & I knew it was because she could sense my sadness so I tried to cheer her up. She & I sat in her closet, I picked out outfits with matching bows & shoes and told her everything we would go do & what she would wear. We talked fashion, we talked about how much me & her daddy love her, and I got to tell her everything I needed to in case I never get that chance. Her favorite things are carrots, milk, and music so I fixed her some carrots & milk, and played her the song she loves most over & over, and watched her dance around in my belly. She loves to dance & she is constantly so active, she's already so much fun and she's not even out here yet. 

This morning I woke up and it hit me like a ton of bricks. It's real. And I hate it. 

Yesterday I was very very angry & not able to understand why or how this could happen to my baby. Today my faith is stronger, I know if anyone can pull through this, it's my Wren. She's so strong already & she's already lived longer than a lot with her condition. She's already my little miracle. She makes me be stronger & makes me have more faith like she does. She has this awful condition & is still growing everyday and doing the cutest things. She completely amazes me. Her favorite song (she dances to it the most) is Praise You In This Storm. It always wakes her up & makes her go crazy. That song is getting me through this because of how much she loves it & because of the message in it that I need to be reminded of constantly.

I go for a high risk/ birth defect ultrasound on Friday just to see all of her little markers. There's less a than 1% chance that they will find nothing wrong and I will have to have an amniocentesis done. A chance is a chance & I'm clinging to that with all I have.

I'll be updating the blog as soon as we know anything else. Thank you all for all your prayers & thoughts through this. It really does mean the world to us. Love you all! 

Never give up on anybody,

miracles happen everyday