Catch Up Time!

Wow, it has been a while since I have updated this blog & SOOO SO many things (good, bad, & freaking awesome) have happened! I'll just start where I left off..... 

 We had just been to the ultrasound with the high risk doctor & he pretty much laughed at the idea of Wren having trisomy 13 because she looked so picture perfect but we still had the amnio done. So we waited & waited for 2 days which felt like 2 centuries. I called & called the doctor's office like, "heyyy... I'm ready for the results... Ya know just call me the split second you get them in, like before you even open the envelope." Too much? I didn't care... I was borderline psychotic at this point I NEEDED to know! Well a few hours passed after my last phone call to them so I had given up getting the results in that day... THEN MY PHONE RANG & I was shaking like a leaf trying to answer it. This was the moment I find out if I get to be a mommy to this baby that I am so head over heels in love with.... Or if I hold her for a few moments until she dies. As soon as I answered I wanted to hang up the phone because I was so afraid of hearing the worst sentence I could ever imagine hearing. Maybe the genetic counselor had experience in the past with that because as soon as I said hello she immediately said, "Hi this is Mary, the genetic counselor, and your baby is completely fine!" At the time, that was the best moment of my entire life. I did a happy dance for a few hours and cried and thanked God for this HUGE blessing of a daughter He chose me to have and obviously went out for a celebratory "I get to keep my baby" meal. I felt whole again.

I had the amnio done on a Monday, found out the results on a Wednesday, then Thursday I started feeling Wren move less and less... and lots of pain in my back. Wren isn't a fan of sleep. She isn't now, and she wasn't in my belly so mommy intuition told me something was wrong. Will went to work on Friday & I had been having sharp shooting pains every 5-7 minutes all night (why didn't I think it couldn't be contractions...? Not sure) but they weren't bad enough for him to stay home with me. Around 9am it hit me... Oh my gosh I might be in labor!? My contractions were getting stronger with less time in between them. I took a warm bath to see if that helped because this baby could NOT come yet! I still had so much left to do & she had so much developing to do! The contractions were only getting worse in the bath & I had to call Will because I just knew this baby was coming & we needed to get to the hospital. He came home & off we went. When I got there I was hooked up to monitors once again & they checked to see if I was dilated at all. I was 100% effaced and dilated to a 3 the first time they checked! They watched my contractions for a while, gave me a shot of Terbutaline, and sent me home. I thought that was a little strange but I wasn't going to question the doctor. When I was about to be discharged, they told me I shouldn't have more than 6 contractions in an hour and if I do, I should come back. One nurse told us that she thought we would have a baby the end of the night. Soooo why did I go home? Anyway, walking from the 2nd floor to the car I had 6 contractions but I told myself that the medicine just probably hadn't really kicked in yet. So we got home.... sat down for 20 minutes & by then I was having contractions 2-3 minutes apart. So there we went again.... we went back to the hospital and I was a 6. Then the nurse looked at my chart & said, "well 37 weeks isn't too early, you're full term at least!" I told her that I was only 34 weeks & they FUH-REAKED! Turns out, they had my due date wrong in the computer so that's why they were thinking it was no big deal! The shot they gave me was only supposed to delay labor for 48 hours anyway. Soooo they called the doctor & she said to deliver this baby. This baby was tired of my belly & wanted to make her appearance! Remember how I said in my last post that there was a less than 1% chance of going into labor because of the amniocentesis but I was still afraid because Wren takes those less than 1% chances and runs with them? Yeah well, she did it again. They rolled me into the delivery room & I met the doctor who would deliver her (my dr still thought she had T13 because she had been on call) and I LOVED her as much as I could possibly love someone while in labor. She gave me morphine. And all was good in the world again. Back labor is for the birds. She checked me & I was an 8 within 10 minutes so she went ahead & gave me my epidural and I so willingly accepted it. The nurse checked me soon after & I was a 10. She told me I could start pushing but it would take an hour & a half. I had my sweet girl 15 minutes later! It was so fun & I was sooo excited to meet her! They put her on my chest & she was dark blue which instantly scared me to death but I remember thinking that she has the biggest most beautiful eyes I will ever see. They took her off to the side and began working on getting her ready for the NICU. She was unresponsive at first but they finally got her to respond! She was wheeled out pretty fast & I remembered we didn't have a pic to show everyone yet.... So Will chased them down the hall & snapped a pic real fast haha! I was up walking immediately & getting cleaned up to go see my girl! I had to wait until they had her all hooked up but it didn't take too long!

Once I saw her I did not leave her side. I had to stay for 3 days and my nurses thought it was so funny that I was never in my room. They had to come to the NICU to take my vitals & draw my blood. It finally caught up to me and I slept for 3 hours on the third day... but I woke up and realized I had missed a feeding & cried... and cried... and cried... Are you getting an idea of how hormonal I have been yet? ;) Everyday was pretty much the same... until day 4. She wasn't eating quite as well & she couldn't go home until she did. She was supposed to eat in 30 minutes or less and it was taking her 45-60 minutes to eat. Not okay for my anxiety but I was reassured by the nurses &doctors that it was just a premie thing. She was put on broad spectrum antibiotics as soon as she was born just because that's standard for premies & the 20th was her last day of them so we were free to go home the 21st! She had her hearing test and her car seat test and passed them like a champ!

On the morning of the 21st, things took a really sudden turn. Around 2am the morning of the 21st she had to be tubed because she would not take any of her feedings & they found that her entire last feeding was still on top of her belly- which is obviously a huge red flag. They did tests & X-rays & all sorts of things and then the doctor met with us and explained that she was almost positive Wren had NEC so she said if Wren didn't improve soon then she would go to OU Children's. We let Wren rest & went home for lunch. We got a phone call while we were home that she was being airlifted to Children's immediately because she took a turn for the worse &amto head that way in 30 minutes. We got to Children's and waited for the helicopter to get there for what seemed like forever. We went to an empty room next door to hers and waited. The nurses from the helicopter came in first and explained that they had lost Wren but brought her back & she was on 4 blood pressure medicines as high as they could go. She tried to calm us down & give us reassurance but because it was so dangerous, she said Wren is a fighter if she makes it through the night because she was very VERY septic. The doctor came in after her and pretty much said the same thing, at that point it was a minute to minute thing. I can't remember exactly what happened the following days, it is honestly such a blur. The second or third...maybe even the fourth day we were there we found out it was a severe strand of E. Coli and that caused lots of infection and sepsis. For the first week she was there we had meetings with her doctor a few times a day & he always said that was the crucial &  most critical week, if she gets past that then she should be on her way to healthy. It was by far the scariest week of my life & after that first week was up I felt like a different person! All of her pressers were coming down & her vitals were remaining just as good! She had X-rays every other day to check the air in her belly (there was a good bit at first) and that finally went away which was huge because that meant no surgery and at first it was almost definite that she would have to have some sort of surgery.

Every single day she would make improvement & the doctors were just amazed by her. No one expected her to do so well considering how bad she had been but that's my Wren, full of surprises :)  She was in the NICU for almost 7 weeks. She's been home since May 29- the day before her due date & everyday here with her has been so great. She is so sweet & so beautiful and I can't even imagine my life without her. It has been a VERY wild ride but I think her teenage years will be a breeze after this! I probably missed a lot of details but these are the highlights of Wren's journey in the NICU. Thank you all for praying for her &a keeping us in your thoughts constantly. I saw God heal her and I know everyone's prayers helped... the doctors were so amazing & knew exactly what to do for her... And I also felt the prayers said for me. I felt a sense of peace & I knew deep down that she was going to be okay no matter how scary it was at the time. She's my hero & she made it sooo easy to be strong for her because she kept fighting so hard to stay here with me.

Baby Wren Chapter 2

I've been at a total and complete loss for words twice this week. The first time because I felt like I was losing my entire world and again today because I was told I was told my entire world looked completely healthy & the spots on her brain had totally disappeared. This week has been the biggest roller coaster ride we have ever & hopefully will ever be on. Wren has already done so much for me & made me so much stronger and she hasn't even been born yet. I will always be so thankful to her for making me a better person.

I've constantly read forums on the internet just trying to accept it so I could be stronger for Wren when she got here & I could better enjoy our limited time together. I would always get a strong feeling telling me that she didn't have it. I felt like maybe that feeling was just because I hoped so much that she didn't have it, but it was something much greater than a "gut feeling." It was God.

My appointment today...
Our appointment today was at 4pm and I had never been so nervous in my life. I was essentially going to get the news of whether my sweet baby lives or dies. There's no way you can prepare yourself for that & I hope I never have that feeling again. I waited (so impatiently) for over an hour to be called back. I sat there listening to a girl in the waiting room moan & complain about her pregnancy & how she wanted a girl instead of a boy... instead of being grateful for the sweet life inside of her regardless of gender & thanking God that she is able to feel him move. People take baby kicks & punches for granted, I was living in fear that every kick I felt could be her last.

Finally we were called back and the ultrasound tech started. I couldn't even look at the screen I was so scared for my baby. Will asked if she saw any soft markers & she told him she saw none. The markers that were on her previous ultrasounds were totally gone. I can't find the words to express how I felt when I heard that but it was the best feeling I have ever had. She continued looking for the additional markers on the heart, kidneys, brain, hands, feet, and deformities of the face. She couldn't tell us much but she was clearly confused as to why I was even being seen, there was absolutely nothing wrong with my girl. She took a precious 3d picture of her & said everything looked great. I was in complete shock, the happiest kind of shock imaginable! I have never seen someone so beautiful in my life. A few minutes later the doctor came in & began another ultrasound. He couldn't find any markers either, they are just completely gone. He looked at and listened to her heart & it was perfect. He listened to the blood running through her cord & it was perfect as well. He asked many questions about why we were even there in the first place because he saw absolutely nothing wrong & he said that if Wren had Trisomy13, he would find multiple abnormalities. She's growing like a weed (4 lbs 4 oz) and he said that's right on track, yet another thing that wouldn't happen if Wren had T13. He said because the bloodwork did come back abnormal that he didn't want to say she was 100% fine and didn't have it. He did assure us over & over that labs can be wrong and she can be in that 1%. He said an amniocentesis was our for sure answer & scheduled me for one on Monday morning before they even open so he can get it sent off & get the results back within 2-3 days. He said he will have preliminary results hopefully by Wednesday & he always trusts those. The final results will be sent to him within 10 days but he said they are hardly ever different. He said that there's a 1% chance that it can send me into early labor, which worries me because my Wren takes those 1% chances and runs with them... :-)

Please continue to pray for my baby & more amazing results. The blog has been viewed over 10,000 times & viewed in more than 10 countries. I know my baby is a miracle and I know the power of our prayers has done an amazing thing & will continue to. Thank you all for everyone thought, prayer, call, text, message, comment, and for sharing the blog to get my baby even more prayers. It's the most humbling experience & because of it I will always be a better, stronger person. It felt really, REALLY awesome to tell Wren about how we WILL get to do everything I told her we would do & how much I get to love on her now. She's the strongest girl I know & I'm beyond blessed that I was chosen to be her mommy.

an arrow can only be shot by 

pulling it backward. so when life is dragging you back with difficulties, it means that its going to launch you into something great

For You created my inmost being;
You knit me together in my mothers womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Your works are wonderful i know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from You
When I was made in my secret place,
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
All the days ordained for me were written in Your book
Before one of them came to be

The beginning of our journey...

About us...

I was going to keep this all private because it is a hard thing for me to accept & talk about, but the more people that know, the more prayers my baby girl gets. And she needs all of them that she can get.

This pregnancy has been anything but easy from the very beginning (gestational diabetes, almost needing to be hospitalized due to extreme morning sickness, very high blood pressure, anemia, you name it & I've probably had it) but I have loved & cherished every second of it. Yesterday topped it all, we found out our sweet girl has Trisomy 13. 

Usually people find out in the very beginning but my first doctor somehow didn't see the markers. As soon as my doctor saw them she immediately had me do bloodwork to send off to a place called MaterniT21. They test for Trisomy 21 (downs syndrome), trisomy 18, & trisomy 13. Up until yesterday morning I was confident that my girl didn't have anything wrong with her & that it was just a fluke with the ultrasound. My appointment was at 12:45 pm yesterday but the doctor called me at 8am & asked if I could come early because she had the results in & wanted to talk about them in person. I still tried to remain calm because I thought maybe that's just what they do, then she called back and told me to be sure Will is with me. I absolutely lost it. I was on my knees begging God that it was Down's syndrome & not one of the others. Will came home as fast as he could & we were called back almost immediately. While we were in the room waiting on the doctor to come in, I was explaining to Will how much I hope it is Trisomy 21 & not 18 or 13. He didn't know anything about the other two so I was reading him all about it. I could see the fear in his eyes & I told him not to even worry because Trisomy 13 has a 1 in 10,000 to a 1 in 21,000 chance of happening, especially in a young mom. Just as I finished saying that the doctor walked in & said, "I've got some bad news. Your results came back and she's a very high positive for Trisomy 13." Almost everything after that is blurred, but I remember hearing how most babies don't even live as long as Wren has & that majority get a few days, the lucky parents get a week. I have been having to go to the doctor once a week, a doctor for my gestational diabetes every two weeks, and the hospital twice a week for monitoring due to my high blood pressure. She told me yesterday that I could stop the monitoring because it really didn't matter now. I told her I wanted to keep on going because I want to hear her heart beat while I still can. I felt more emotions in that moment than I even knew existed. I felt sad, mad, betrayed, scared, but mostly I felt like I wasn't a good mom because this happened in my body & I couldn't even keep my own baby healthy. I felt not good enough for her. 

Will & I asked a few questions and then went home. When we got home, we just sat in our car for the longest time & cried & held each other & wondered why this would happen to our perfect baby. The rest of the day consisted of that same thing. I hoped & I prayed that this was the most realistic dream in the world and that I would wake up from it in the morning. She was so still last night & I knew it was because she could sense my sadness so I tried to cheer her up. She & I sat in her closet, I picked out outfits with matching bows & shoes and told her everything we would go do & what she would wear. We talked fashion, we talked about how much me & her daddy love her, and I got to tell her everything I needed to in case I never get that chance. Her favorite things are carrots, milk, and music so I fixed her some carrots & milk, and played her the song she loves most over & over, and watched her dance around in my belly. She loves to dance & she is constantly so active, she's already so much fun and she's not even out here yet. 

This morning I woke up and it hit me like a ton of bricks. It's real. And I hate it. 

Yesterday I was very very angry & not able to understand why or how this could happen to my baby. Today my faith is stronger, I know if anyone can pull through this, it's my Wren. She's so strong already & she's already lived longer than a lot with her condition. She's already my little miracle. She makes me be stronger & makes me have more faith like she does. She has this awful condition & is still growing everyday and doing the cutest things. She completely amazes me. Her favorite song (she dances to it the most) is Praise You In This Storm. It always wakes her up & makes her go crazy. That song is getting me through this because of how much she loves it & because of the message in it that I need to be reminded of constantly.

I go for a high risk/ birth defect ultrasound on Friday just to see all of her little markers. There's less a than 1% chance that they will find nothing wrong and I will have to have an amniocentesis done. A chance is a chance & I'm clinging to that with all I have.

I'll be updating the blog as soon as we know anything else. Thank you all for all your prayers & thoughts through this. It really does mean the world to us. Love you all! 

Never give up on anybody,

miracles happen everyday